The Dribbler – Satirical Football Humour
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In a move that has shocked the world of football war torn African nation Somalia is set to stage the 2014 World Cup says FIFA president Slop Bladder.
Speaking from his villa in Marbella, Spain, Mr Bladder said the controversial switch which takes the tournament away from Brazil is in the best interests of the world game. He said: “We know Brazil is disappointed but Somalia is the right place for the games. We’ve spent a lot of time with our Somalian friends and they will have all the facilities when the time comes. Although at the moment there are security issues and there are no stadia, or for that matter any infrastructure, it is obvious to the whole world that the Somalis have a strong entrepreneurial streak. Let’s not forget what great sailors they are, so there will be no problem with the prawn sandwiches.”
Mr Bladder, taking his press conference from his jacuzzi, said the Somalis had presented a persuasive case. He said: “The case was convincing and very big. In fact, I’ve never seen so much money in one piece of luggage. Those guys certainly know how the world of international football and FIFA works. We were so overwhelmed, we felt we had no alternative but to welcome them into the FIFA family. In fact, they sat her with me, in this very jacuzzi, while we discussed how this could provide a valuable boost to the whole of the Somali economy and the Somalian people.”
Mr Bladder said he’d already called the president of the Brazilian FA, who didn’t take it well. Mr Bladder said: “I tried to explain to him the intricacies of the world of international football and how these issues were never simple. But he got very upset and started threatening me and being abusive. So I reminded him who he was talking to and told him that he could go suck my sausage, as far as I was concerned. That told him.”
A FIFA spokesperson talking direct from Zurich said: “This World Cup will challenge the perceptions of a modern tournament. We will be going back to basics, returning to the roots of the game. Training facilities for the teams will eschew grass. If the stadia are completed there will be no electricity. So we challenge the international media to organise their own telecommunications but of course they will still have to pay through the nose for the rights. Teams will wear old style kits, and free weapons training will be given to all players and officials. The pitches will be the highest quality plastic grass, like you see down the greengrocers. This will be a landmark tournament.”
Sponsorship
Notable groups around the world have already shown enthusiasm for supporting the World Cup in Somalia. A confederation of British bankers has said they will purchase at least 50 per cent of the corporate boxes (if completed) and will finance and run a top-class chain of brothels-cum-casinos in all the major cities hosting the tournament.
Banker Nigel Cholmondeley-Belvoir of investment bankers Fleese & Fanaygal said: “It’s a very exciting project for us, as it enables us to invest our bonuses before any of the hovering national governments can get at them. I can proudly announce today the new company we are forming will be called ShagBet. And we plan to sponsor the Somali national team as well, so our logo will be emblazoned on their shirts. Slop tells me they have a good chance of winning the tournament.”
Rumours
Rumours abound as to who will be opening the 2014 World Cup in Somalia but Mr Slop Bladder, life president of FIFA, refused to rule out president Mugabe of Zimbabwe.
Mr Bladder said: “Mr Mugabe is a brave and respected freedom fighter and a keen football fan. He’s also a regular visitor to our headquarters in Switzerland, where he often talks at length about his people’s love of football, food and fun, before going off to a check on his finances with the local banking community. Mr Mugabe is very much a part of the FIFA family.”
ends
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The Dribbler – British Humour at its best…It’s even better value than a Bosman!
Here’s a taste of what’s in the Dribbler Mag:
Nouveaux Gooners
North London’s footballing bourgeoisie. Parachuted into their swanky boxes and their comfy seats by the commodious arrival of the Emirates, these metrotextual, footballing debutantes just love sitting back and emailing their brokers while Arsene’s multi-cultural strollers deliver the designer pass. View The Nouveaux Gooners Strip Here
Shed Heads
Where did it all go wrong? For those who miss the days when you got soaked in the Shed and hors d’oeuvres were a pair of slapper’s scrundies, the old school fans down at the bridge endure the Champions league nights while dreaming of the days when Kerry Dixon was king and Ken Bates was guaranteed to f**k things up. View The Shed Heads Cartoon Here
Fux in the Box
The Premier league’s wet dream. The fans that they tell us pay all our wages in the modern game, as they fork out for overpriced food, overpriced seats and overrated football and aren’t quite sure who’s on the pitch. But hey, if they think this is what it’s all about, let’s roll out the red carpet for’em and lighten the load on their wallets. View The Fux in the Box Strip Here
Pigface and Bix
The celebrity couple that brighten up all our lives with their unbridled materialism and perma tans. Suck in those cheeks, pout at the camera and prepare to see inside the magical life of our superficial international Essex duo and their sparkly, spangly little world. Register now to view Pigface and Bix
Bob Manager
England’s finest managerial talent. 442, 433, four for you, six for me. In an era when English manager’s struggle to understand what the continentals are up to, Bob shows the world how real tactics, an eye for a bargain and good old northern man-management can scale the summit of mid-table mediocrity. Register now to view Bob Manager
Armitage & Shanks
Dave Armitage, fledgling footie coach goes in search of the Boot Room by getting his dream job at his beloved Liverpool only to discover things aren’t quite what they used to be at the club created by Shanks. View The Armitage & Shanks Cartoon Here
Big Eels on the Edge
The man who put the oof in hoof, sunday league’s master tactician, the man rotavator, the behemoth of Wormwood Scrubs, he is ….Mr Big Eels.
View The Big Eels Strip Here
The Bishop of Balls
Worried about the spiritual life of the nation’s football clubs, the pontiff sends his top man to England to minster succour and guidance to the heathen forces prowling the corridors of Premier league power.
Arse of the Arse
A man who holds the essence of football in his Gallic hand and a man who leads the way in discovering new talent and coaching it to pass the ball into the net. And yes, also a man whose razor sharp eye-sight seems to desert him at the vital moment. Our dear old uncle Arse let’s us in on the whacky world of London N5.
